He is FAITHFUL and GRIEF!

I’m going throw two things into one here!

First is this, I have TWO AMAZING leaders that I work with!  One being my Store Leader and the other being my Department Leader!  Both appreciate and value who I am and what I bring to the table at work.  And that is all that I’m going to say about that! :-)

 

Now, GRIEF!  UGH!  I HATE GRIEF!  It is a part of life and whoever said that Grief get’s EASIER with time, well they are LYING!!!!!!!   I lost my dad December 18th 2012.  It was quick, there was no time for good byes, there was no time for closure.  I may not have seen my dad frequently due to him living in Iowa and me in Indiana but I did talk to him almost daily until he got ill and it was too much for him to talk on the phone.  This Sunday dad would have been 67!  Yes, he had just turned 65 and retired at the time of his passing.  There are day’s where I’ll be just fine because I’m able to shove the thoughts of him down deep enough and then there are days like today where it just sits there right at the surface and I’ll tear up at any given moment.  Grief is a strange emotion.  If I didn’t have grief I would think that something was wrong because my dad and I had a special relationship.  I know that I will see my dad again in heaven but until then Grief and I will wrestle with each other often!  Dad I know you would be proud of my latest accomplishment!

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This is dad with Timmy at our favorite place!  The first of many trips there!

Thank you dad for teaching me how to make memories!

PEACE!

Peace that is what I have right now!  After a month of mulling, crying and fretting over what to do about my current job situation, I have PEACE!  I have applied at other places with no luck.  I wanted to stay at JcPenney’s at ALL cost but the frustration that was coming from lack of income was eating at me way to much.  Some would stay stick it out, it will get better but when you are in the midst of this storm it is difficult to stick it out because there is no predicability in this storm.  I LOVE working in retail!  I LOVE all the people I work with but there was one thing and it’s kind of crucial in life was the income!  You have to be able to put food on the table, gas in the car and keep shelter over your head.  I have been grateful to have an ever so gracious roommate who has allowed me to not pay a months rent but it was eating at me!  After having to go to the food pantry last week, that was a humbling experience in and of itself, I knew that something had to change and had to change soon!  

I am leaving the job that I LOVE in retail at JcPenney’s to go back to the call center working with Apple.  A job that I can do and do it well but is that where my heart is…NO!  But it is where it will be for this season of life until I am done with college.  There is nothing that makes me smile more than knowing I am doing a great job or to have a former supervisor say when the season rolls back around I would be happy to have you back and I hope Apple know’s how lucky they are to have you!  

I am NOT leaving on bad terms with JcPenney’s it is my hope that when I am finished with college that I will be able to find a job again in the retail industry that I LOVE but until then I must do what I need to do for this season of life and that is the call center.  Closer to home, better pay and full time.  

I am grateful for the peace that has come from making that one phone call today.  The peace that I will not be having to fight to decided which bill to pay but rather which to pay extra on!  

“Come As You Are”

Today at church the emotion that I felt was not expected.  I’ve been trying to keep it all together but today it came flowing out!  

A few weeks ago I had to make the hard choice to not go to Iowa and I wrote about that.  Well, this weekend would have been when we were to be there.  Instead I was at Madison Park and God KNEW that was right where I needed to be!

 You see, I have been frustrated with life lately.  Frustrated with my job, I love working at Penny’s but I am restless in the position I am in.  I am frustrated because here I am 35 and when most people my age would already have a position in management but I did life backwards and have not been consistence in my job choices or schooling, so this is where I am at.  I’m not going to lie I have applied at other places but the truth is none of it is going to produce fast ways up the ladder.  Nobody ever got to the top fast, it’s slow and steady.  I need to find a way to add to what I already have.  

I am frustrated but maybe more restless with school.  I have been going at school for what seems like forever and I want to be done but the motivation is not there.  I am discouraged and the enemy comes creeping in and says things like your not going to do a good enough job, your not good enough, why try it’s already late, your not going to understand it.  These are ALL LIES STRAIGHT FROM THE PIT OF HELL!  These are my strongest and hardest enemies that I face DAILY!  I am good enough I just need to keep believing it and lay these burdens down at the feet of Jesus!

I am frustrated and hurt about the way the time I am getting to spend with my children is going or lack of.  I am going out on a limb here but I feel as though all my ex’s church activities rate higher than the children spending time with their mom.  It HURTS!  Not going to lie!  I am broken over this but am not sure what to do at this point about it.

The message today was EXACTLY what I needed!  Pastor Rolland spoke on Balance and he referenced Luke 10:38-42 where Martha was frustrated with her sister for taking the time to sit at Jesus feet and take it in.  Martha was busy preparing dinner and taking the time to be still!  

There was three points that stuck out to me:

“Unbalanced people have a great gift of phasing God IN and OUT!” GUILTY of this!

“A restless work stye produces a restless person.” Gordon MacDonald

The above quote defiantly can identify each of the frustrations that I am dealing with!  Instead of doing the following “Be STILL and KNOW that I am God!” Psalms 46:10 I tend to spend time running from this to that and never accomplish anything.  But rather I need to BE STILL in HIS presences!  That will bring me the greatest amount of PEACE EVER!  

The song I started with “Come As You Are”, had me in unable to speak but the tears were rolling down the cheeks as we sang the chorus:

“So lay down your burdens,

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are…”

Crowder

As you go about your week take time to BE STILL and if you think about it say a prayer that I’ll remember to BE STILL!  My dad’s birthday is next Sunday and I can use your prayers for strength to get through the day!

Friends

We all have friends.  Some are those acquaintances that you see at the store, church or on Facebook but you really don’t know them.  You might know there name and weather they are married or not but beyond that, nothing.  Then there are those friends who I would put in the warm category because I don’t like the word close.  Those are the friends you might talk to at work, make small talk with, your in the beginning stages.  They are still in the outer circle but not on the complete outside.  Next we have those friends who have gone through seasons of life with us.  Those friends that walked the hard roads and those friends who you may have grown up with but have lost touch with.  I have many friends in this category.  These are the ones I stay connected with via Facebook and may send a card to celebrate a wedding or birth or just because or condolence in the time of grief.  Then there are those friends who really know you.  I have one of those kinds of friends other than my mom!  His hame is Kevin.  Yes, he’s a guy.  No we are not in a romantic relationship in any way shape or form.  Just wanted to clear that up!

I wanted to share with you about Kevin!  He’s not on Facebook, he doesn’t have internet at his house and he lives simply!  I met Kevin while I was attending Ivy Tech in Lafayette.  He was my fitness instructor and he was able to see straight through me and questioned why I was going to school.  He asked boldly and I answered honestly.  I was going to school at the time to get my nursing degree so I could support myself and my kids so I could leave Josh.  Then a few weeks later he asked about my back.  I told him nothing could be done and I didn’t want to do anything about it.  He continued though and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Once the semester was over, we continued the beginning of our friendship.  I went through the loss of my Grandmother in Texas, the first grandparent I lost.  He listened.  I was in a car wreck that started the process of my back surgeries.  He watched and was always a phone call away.  I watched him go through two dating relationships.  I have watched as he has transformed his life from one of drinking and not attending church faithfully to one of being active in the church and not partying.  These past few years have been crucial for me in our relationship as he has always been a phone call away.  We only see each maybe four times a year due to schedules but talk almost daily!  When I told him I was done with my marriage he agreed to walk through the valley with me.  When things in his life went wrong he called me.  When I lost my dad, he was one of the first people I called.  He has walked this journey of loss with me.  It’s amazing because he has not gone through this and hopefully he won’t any time soon!  But there are days where I don’t have to say a word and he know’s that somethings going on.  I am grateful and beyond blessed by this friendship we have.  I told him tonight that he is one of the few friends that I have allowed to continue on this journey.  When I have thought I have cut everyone else off he has been there.  Checking in to see how those hard weekends are going, cheering me on that I can do this and this season is not forever!  Reminding me of how strong I am when I think I am week!  I know Kevin won’t read this because he doesn’t do the internet thing often but I wanted you all to know!

“Moving Forward” Colony House

 

I had downloaded this album a few weeks ago but didn’t actually listen to it until today!  In Colony House’s first full length album they have polished record that is lyrical mature and sound.  The lyrics are beyond their 20 something age!  This song in particular talks about moving forward after pain and heartache.  Something that I think if we were honest we would all say we have struggled with.  The freedom that comes from moving forward despite the pain and heartache that we have experienced.  These guys do have a famous dad but they are their own band and their own sound! Check them out!  You’ll be glad you did!  Way to go Caleb and Will Franklin Chapman!  Sorry I am not sure who the other guy is! :-)

BOYS READ! GIRLS READ!

These are a few things I have observed since attempting online dating!  

1) You can’t trust everyone!  i.e. they may say they are SINGLE but in reality they are STILL married!  Men and Women – Let me say this….if your STILL married, you OWE it to your WIFE or HUSBAND your marriage vows!  NO MATTER how difficult or HARD it may seem at that very moment that gives you weakness, step back, REMOVE your profile until your DIVORCE is final!  End of story!  Have some integrity!  Save yourself and the person you are pursuing the HURT!

2)  Because you are lonely and want to be loved and accepted DON’T COMPROMISE who you are or WHAT you believe for ANY GUY or GAL! 

3) Stating you want to “Cuddle” when you really have other intentions is plain WRONG!

4)  Your first meeting is just that!  A meeting to hang out and see if you click, not to see how quick you can get the other person in bed and undressed with you!

Until you realize how much you are WORTH and how VALUABLE you are, you will always be looking for another person to affirm you!  I’m not saying don’t purse a relationship because I have the same desire as you do, what I am saying is DON’T compromise and then regret it later!  As I have learned over the past year the dating world is NOT what it was and in fact has become so messed up that it breaks my heart to think that people don’t VALUE a relationship where you get to know one another with your clothes on and spend time enjoying each others company but instead it’s going to FWB or “Cuddling” and if you turn down the person to “Cuddling” you just don’t know what you want!  NO! I know what I want and I respect myself enough to draw a line and say HECK NO!

The Funk!

Since last week, I’ve been in a funk and more than likely will be in this funk the rest of the month.  I’m not a fan of funk’s because I am generally a very outgoing, happy, positive and bubbly person!  I know exactly what caused it and I know it WILL pass because I WON’T stay in this funk forever!!! :-)

 

Last week my mother had a heart to heart talk with me and said where you are at in this place of life you need to STOP the direction you are going and live on bear bones until you get your finances figured out.  UGH….my stubbornness was NOT going to let money STOP me from going to Iowa.  I have ALWAYS gone to Iowa in the summer ever since I was a little girl.  This is ripping my heart to piece’s because we were going to be part of dedicating hymnals in memory of our dad, I was going to show the kids were Grandpa was buried but none of that will be happening this year and it HURTS.  My kids took it okay.  I know I’m taking it harder than they.  Sandy (bonus mom) and Grandma is coming out to the lake to spend a weekend with all of us kids in August but still not the same.  

And now I must face the reality that the job I LOVE I am not making enough to make ends meet and I must decided what to do.  It is another sore spot because I can’t just transfer departments.  

Then I won’t be seeing my kids for the next week as they are all at camp and the following week Lily will be at another camp and then in August they will be gone for two weeks.  The sting of divorce is very open during these times because I want nothing more than to scope up my kids and love them!  

Again this is just a season.

If you would pray for me I would appreciate it because I know HIS plans are bigger than mine!

Spirit Song part 2

Friday night Lily and I went back to the hotel and took showers, we were a HOT mess!  We got to sleep around 12:30 and were back up and ready to head back to the park around 9:15 or so.  We got near Kings Island and we hit the traffic.  It took us about a half hour to get into the park.  It wasn’t all that bad as we jammed to Toby Mac and others.  We went on the Ragging River FIRST and we went on it TWICE!  We were the only ones in our raft and to say we were a sopping mess would be an understatement!  After the first round, I checked my shorts and they were SOAKED!  I didn’t even think about having Khaki’s on!  But they were soaked THROUGH and I asked Lily if you could see through my shorts and she was like YUP mom you have on Pink underwear!  Lovely!  Just LOVELY!  Thankfully my shirt was long enough in the back and covered the pink!  We went on the ride again and then headed towards over priced food and a show.  Lily is not much of a ride girl so, we went to a few rides and watched them.  We did go on the bumper cars though and she LOVED them!  We saw a few more shows and then headed over to the water park.  We may or may not have had ice cream cones without napkins!  It may or may not have been a SOPPING mess too!  We also went up in the Eiffel Tower!  That actually is a great place for a birds eye view of the park and to take pictures.  Next stop, water park!  It was INSANELY busy!  After a few rounds on the lazy river, I saw the storm clouds rolling in.  Lily wanted to go to the splash area and I watched and waited for them to close the water park.  They did and poor kid didn’t even get to go down one slide but safety first!  We changed and headed back towards the park and car.  We grabbed a quick snack and headed over to Timberwolf Theater, where Building 429 was playing along with Jeremy Camp and of course TobyMac!  Lily was SUPER PUMPED about TobyMac and our seats were dead center! PERFECTION!  It was raining some and Lily was complaining about being wet and I told we have been wet nearly all day!  By the time Jeremy Camp was half way through his set, the rain cleared and it was a perfect night!  TobyMac did NOT fail along with the Diverse City!  Amazing show!  After the show Lily finally decided to go on the swings!  She liked it after she got used to the feeling.  We went in the Eiffel tower again and then another ride and headed home.  It was a great time filled with wonderful memories!  We will defiantly plan on this again next year!  If you want a festival to go to, I HIGHLY recommend SPIRIT SONG!

 

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Spirit Song!

Last weekend I spent a few days with Lily at Spirit Song at Kings Island. I had bought tickets back in March for the three day festival to celebrate her birthday. You see, instead of buying my kids a bunch of stuff they don’t really need, I am working to teach them the value of time and creating memories. For birthday’s and even Christmas we agree on an activity that we would like to do together rather than gifts and they actually LOVE it!

We were unable to go to Spirit Song on Thursday night but blessed friends with those tickets. I had initially sold my tickets for Friday and we were going to just go down on Saturday but the more I thought about it, I thought how CRAZY was I to drive down and back all in one day! I tweeted Mac Powell of Third Day and was able to get 2 tickets for Friday night! We arrived just a little before Matthew West started to play. We got in and had seats a few rows back from the side. It was an amazing time and Mac Powell asked for request’s and I YELLED “Forever!” He said, “Your Loud! And I don’t think I can remember the words! That’s an old song!” Needless to say this was by far the BEST Third Day concert I have been to, and I have been to A LOT as I have seen them in concerts since 1998!  I heard a little secret, to watch out for a new album coming from Third Day this fall with HYMNS on it!

You Matter!

Photo less Thursday!

Hi y’all!  I’ve been enjoying being busy at work!  A few things of interest!

  • I came to the conclusion on Monday that I could no longer keep up the crazy car payments and will need to get ride of my car and find a cheaper car.  When I told my mom this, she was speechless!  But I found out that my bonus dad has been praying for me on the way to work for “Common Sense!”
  • I am finally getting the idea that it’s way better to get the homework done BEFORE work and BEFORE fun because then, I can relax and enjoy them both!
  • We went to the Children’s Museum on Wednesday with friends and had a splendid time!
  • Monday night, I was chatting with a friend who said, let’s go to Starbucks!  We went to Starbucks and spent time talking about life!  She know’s my love language!
  • I’m grateful for my friends who hold me accountable and are there to make sure I’m staying focused and keeping the main thing the main thing!
  • I get to learn how to shoot hoops from Ruth Riley this next week!
  • And last but not least once again you never know the power of a QUESTION!  Last week, I didn’t see how I could swing going to Spirit Song at Kings Island for three days, so I put my tickets on ebay and sold my Third Day tickets pretty quick!  Well, the schedule came out and I get off in time to drive down to Kings Island Friday night for the concert!  I have points for my hotel stay too!  So, I checked around with a few people for tickets but no one had extra.  I really didn’t want to pay for the tickets because we will be pulling in just in time for Third Day, so, I asked Mac Powell via twitter if he could help me out and he checked and he could!  So, tomorrow night Lily and I get to celebrate her birthday over the course of TWO concerts!!! Third Day tomorrow night and Toby Mac Saturday night!  He is FAITHFUL!!!!  I keep thinking that I should be listening to his still small voice about doing some work in the Music Business.  Everyone keeps telling me that is my gifting, because I know so much and have the personality for it.  It’s all in His timing though not mine!
  • Oh and if I didn’t tell you already my baby boy jumped off the diving board!!! My dad would have been so stinking proud!  I know I was!
  • And one last thing I PROMISE!  My baby boy know’s that there is this HUGE Oloft where I work at!  It’s really dirty!  It’s a stuffed Oloft.  Every time we go into work, he wants to go see it!  He asked me who my boss was the other day and I told him.  He said well he’s really nice.  I agreed.  My little boy said “You tell your boss, I want to work for him so I can earn Oloft.”  I chuckled and said okay but you have to be a little bit older to work at there.  I love my kids!  They are the sweetest!v